So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
