when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
