last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
