my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
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