Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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