party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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