i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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