Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
