she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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