wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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