five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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