Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
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It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
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I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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