Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
