Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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