I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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