I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
