Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
