he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It's no shave November. This is our time.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
