Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
