drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
