so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
