More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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