I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
