What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
