Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
