I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
