someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
