I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
