Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
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The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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