Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
