I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
