Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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