i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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