grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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