I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
