i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
