I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
from now on my penis is your penis
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
