you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
