when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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