we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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