I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize