When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
