they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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