i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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