1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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