his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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