Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
