i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
