I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
