I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Randomize