I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
