Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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