Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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