Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I will be naked everywhere
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
