do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him